November 27, 2005
A perfectly controlled, trouble-free life will not make anyone happy. Happiness comes from taking ownership of the life we have and working through the lessons it holds for us.
I've always felt like a failure, and was worrying about the fact that I am running out of time to become rich and/or famous, confident, untroubled, and Incredibly Wise and Important. Sort of a Superwoman/Mary Poppins combo -- practically perfect in every way, and able to leap tall buildings at a single bound with a creative flourish that would distinguish me from all other building-leapers.
But today -- I thought maybe I could stop driving myself. I've always tried to do my personal development homework, thinking it would make me more efficient in achieving my goals of perfection. It never occurred to me that what I was doing as a sideline could be the main event.
This could change everything! Maybe I've discovered my personal cure for chronic restlessness & misery.
If it works . . . . . . who knows, I might become rich & famous and all those other things and run happiness workshops all over the world. Everybody wants to be happy, right? They should be willing to pay big bucks for the secret.
Ooops -- am I on the treadmill again?
Sept. 27, 2006
After a year of putting self-care first, I am trying to ease out of the slow lane. You know what? I've discovered that I don't want to work. Now yet, anyway.
I want to goof off. I like goofing off. I have experienced some genuine bliss while goofing off. Why do we strive to become rich and famous, anyway? So we can afford to goof off.
I want to take the short cut and goof off right away, without any further detours. I am tired.
My Voice says that it's OK to rest until something draws me irresistibly -- something I really REALLY want to do, more than I want to goof off. I can escape from Shouldville and run free.
Who is this Voice, anyway? God, who knows what is best for me and wants me to have it? Or my shadow side, composed of all the parts of myself I didn't want to acknowledge?
Either way, it might be worth while to give freedom a try.
December 10, 2006.
My restlessness is back. The peaceful bliss of simply being is eluding me. I am hurting -- hurting about all the awful things in life that I can't control. Part of the process -- or a signal to get my ass in gear?
I decided to stop living in the future and make 2007 the best possible year, focusing on what is available here and now. Sounds great -- but what if grieving is part of the work I have to do?
What would I tell someone else? Honour your pain, and take all the time you need to own it, feel it, share it, express it, release it to your Higher Power, whatever you conceive him or her to be. Is it time to take my own medicine?