from an e-mail, Jan. 12, 2012:
Yesterday, I had one of those moments of epiphany when I remembered who I am. Under all the layers of neurosis, self-pity and fatigue, I am still alive. I am Spirit. I am wind. I am flame. My life is burning whisky, not tepid water. I can't change the choices I made in the past, but I still have choices now. My mission is to help myself and other people feel authentically, and find wholeness through the experience. That's the sacred purpose of ancient Greek theatre, and it is at the heart of all art forms. We are a family of artists, but we were afraid to live that. My grandfather did, and he was rehabilitated in concentration camp, and later died of malnutrition. The arts are dangerous. Better to make money scrubbing floors and doing whatever is necessary to survive, and criticizing others for not living out their dreams.
Every time my mother starts to paint, she angrily repeats her mantra: NOTHING WILL COME OF THIS. She is doing some wild stuff now. I hope she stays with it.
Today, I am struggling. Tomorrow, I might jump into another time line or transcend to another dimension.
Showing posts with label authentic self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label authentic self. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Friday, February 22, 2008
The Tyranny of STUFF
It takes time and energy to take care of stuff. Physical stuff, intellectual property, outdated issues, unresolved traumas and conflicts, even memories. I have a choice: caretake my past or build my future.
I want to live. I don't know exactly what it takes to make me feel alive, but I have only a limited time to find out what it is. I realize now that the experience of abundant life is a continuum, not an on/off thing, and my dreams of perfection were unrealistic. I will never get everything I want, but I can work towards getting more of it.
I can't grab the right stuff if my hands (and heart, and mind) are already full of wrong stuff, obsolete stuff, broken stuff, and even OK stuff that isn't as important as I thought it was.
I want to live. I don't know exactly what it takes to make me feel alive, but I have only a limited time to find out what it is. I realize now that the experience of abundant life is a continuum, not an on/off thing, and my dreams of perfection were unrealistic. I will never get everything I want, but I can work towards getting more of it.
I can't grab the right stuff if my hands (and heart, and mind) are already full of wrong stuff, obsolete stuff, broken stuff, and even OK stuff that isn't as important as I thought it was.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Facing Truth
Rev. Dr. Ursa proclaims: Our most fervent prayers are born of guilt, fear, and resentment. The most effective ones are the fruit of love.
Ursa's evil twin counters: So -- before I presume to pray for others, I should divest myself of my own guilt, fear, and resentment? You've got to be kidding! That's how I legitimize those nasty feelings!! "Dear Lord, Joe is a jerk, but I'm OK because I'm praying for him. When I get finished being holy, I expect you to hand over my lollypop! I've earned it!"
We need honesty in our recovery tool kit just as much as we need faith, hope and love. Honesty with God is difficult, because God is huge and scary and all-powerful and may retaliate if we fail to please. Honesty with others is difficult, because we risk being cast into outer darkess, with weeping and gnashing of teeth. Honesty with ourselves is most difficult of all -- we cling to our shredded self-image, the delusion of self-sufficiency, the filthy rags of our self-righteousness, praying desperately to believe that if we just faith hard enough, the world will re-arrange itself in the glorious patterns we dreamed before we lost our innocence.
When the All-Powerful and All-Knowing comes to us in the garment of unconditional love, we howl and weep because we have nowhere to hide. It is not an easy matter to acknowledge who we really are. But until we do, our deepest hurts remain unhealed and festering.
Ursa's evil twin counters: So -- before I presume to pray for others, I should divest myself of my own guilt, fear, and resentment? You've got to be kidding! That's how I legitimize those nasty feelings!! "Dear Lord, Joe is a jerk, but I'm OK because I'm praying for him. When I get finished being holy, I expect you to hand over my lollypop! I've earned it!"
We need honesty in our recovery tool kit just as much as we need faith, hope and love. Honesty with God is difficult, because God is huge and scary and all-powerful and may retaliate if we fail to please. Honesty with others is difficult, because we risk being cast into outer darkess, with weeping and gnashing of teeth. Honesty with ourselves is most difficult of all -- we cling to our shredded self-image, the delusion of self-sufficiency, the filthy rags of our self-righteousness, praying desperately to believe that if we just faith hard enough, the world will re-arrange itself in the glorious patterns we dreamed before we lost our innocence.
When the All-Powerful and All-Knowing comes to us in the garment of unconditional love, we howl and weep because we have nowhere to hide. It is not an easy matter to acknowledge who we really are. But until we do, our deepest hurts remain unhealed and festering.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Time wasted or time redeemed?
From one of my e-mails, October '06. I think I was lecturing myself.
I DON'T NEED ANYBODY'S PERMISSION TO BE HAPPY AND PRODUCTIVE. A MINUTE OF PLEASURE IS BETTER THAN NO PLEASURE AT ALL. THE ONLY WASTED TIME IS TIME SPENT MAKING BAD MEMORIES.
Healthy, nurturing relationships are essential. We all need people who like us for us, and want to share themselves and their resources "just because". When I encounter people like that, I tend to be just a little leery -- is this too good to be true? Time is the test. There is no need to offer trust to anyone who hasn't earned it.
Mother Theresa said that our society has a famine of love. I am agreeing with that more and more. Simple friendship is a very scarce commodity. Everyone has better things to do -- working, networking, climbing the ladder. "Just because" is not acceptable any more -- everything has to have a purpose. In my book, there is nothing to compare with the feeling of heading out to meet a friend, to "kill" some time together. But what we are actually doing is redeeming it, finding ourselves in each other's pleasure, and laying foundations for a future we might actually want to show up for.
I DON'T NEED ANYBODY'S PERMISSION TO BE HAPPY AND PRODUCTIVE. A MINUTE OF PLEASURE IS BETTER THAN NO PLEASURE AT ALL. THE ONLY WASTED TIME IS TIME SPENT MAKING BAD MEMORIES.
Healthy, nurturing relationships are essential. We all need people who like us for us, and want to share themselves and their resources "just because". When I encounter people like that, I tend to be just a little leery -- is this too good to be true? Time is the test. There is no need to offer trust to anyone who hasn't earned it.
Mother Theresa said that our society has a famine of love. I am agreeing with that more and more. Simple friendship is a very scarce commodity. Everyone has better things to do -- working, networking, climbing the ladder. "Just because" is not acceptable any more -- everything has to have a purpose. In my book, there is nothing to compare with the feeling of heading out to meet a friend, to "kill" some time together. But what we are actually doing is redeeming it, finding ourselves in each other's pleasure, and laying foundations for a future we might actually want to show up for.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Desperatedly Seeking Inner Autonomy
When children are told what to see, what to think, and what to feel, they become conditioned to suppress their own perceptions, thoughts and feelings. Their real self becomes more and more separated from their illusionary self -- I think the shrinks call that "personality disassociation"? The road to authentic seeing, thinking and feeling is long and hard, but there is a road. God can be a big help as long as we are willing to be absolutely honest. If we believe that our honesty would threaten God as it threatens the powerful people in our lives, our faith becomes a stumbling block rather than a channel of grace.
My grandmother's favourite non-violent correction was, "You make me sad!" This may have seemed enlightened when compared to abusive name-calling and hitting, but it took its toll. It is a heavy burden for a child to imagine that s/he is responsible for the emotions of others.
Adults are directly responsible for their own emotional states. Circumstances and other people can influence us, but they do not have the power to control what we think and feel. When I first heard that at a support group meeting, it seemed ludicrous. Even now, decades of struggle later, it seems an impossible challenge to master my own inner dialogue and the feelings that are generated by it.
My grandmother's favourite non-violent correction was, "You make me sad!" This may have seemed enlightened when compared to abusive name-calling and hitting, but it took its toll. It is a heavy burden for a child to imagine that s/he is responsible for the emotions of others.
Adults are directly responsible for their own emotional states. Circumstances and other people can influence us, but they do not have the power to control what we think and feel. When I first heard that at a support group meeting, it seemed ludicrous. Even now, decades of struggle later, it seems an impossible challenge to master my own inner dialogue and the feelings that are generated by it.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Knowing what I want
Once upon a time (probably in the late 80s), I happened to be in Regina by myself at supper time, and discovered that I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO EAT OR WHERE I WANTED TO EAT IT!!!!
I knew the preferences of every family member, and kept trying to juggle them, becoming more and more resentful because nobody seemed to care what my needs were. But if they had asked me, I wouldn't have known what to say.
HOW COULD I GET WHAT I WANTED IF I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WAS???????? I was so out of touch with myself that I didn't even know what I wanted to eat.
I still have to work at this. Hard. It can take a long time to overcome performance panic long enough to became aware of what I want. I have to relax, let go of the various layers of delusion, and find ME.
The really cool thing is -- it generally turns out that what I want at the core is what God wants for me too. It is always true that what I need (as opposed to what I am conditioned to think I need) is what God wants for me.
That titanic struggle between what God wants and what I want -- that's a MYTH. The real struggle is between what I want and need, and what I think I should want and need.
I knew the preferences of every family member, and kept trying to juggle them, becoming more and more resentful because nobody seemed to care what my needs were. But if they had asked me, I wouldn't have known what to say.
HOW COULD I GET WHAT I WANTED IF I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WAS???????? I was so out of touch with myself that I didn't even know what I wanted to eat.
I still have to work at this. Hard. It can take a long time to overcome performance panic long enough to became aware of what I want. I have to relax, let go of the various layers of delusion, and find ME.
The really cool thing is -- it generally turns out that what I want at the core is what God wants for me too. It is always true that what I need (as opposed to what I am conditioned to think I need) is what God wants for me.
That titanic struggle between what God wants and what I want -- that's a MYTH. The real struggle is between what I want and need, and what I think I should want and need.
Monday, December 10, 2007
The Path of Love by Deepak Chopra
DC became a major guru of mine when I read Quantum Healing (I think that was a couple of decades ago). That was the first time I was really aware of a highly-trained scientific person freely admitting that he didn't know a lot of vitally important things. He had an attitude of wonder towards the universe in general and the human mind-body-spirit in particular. "WOW!!! That's too marvellous for me to comprehend!"
Since then, DC has wandered in many different directions and explored many fields of knowledge. I had a glimse of him on the Oprah show, and wasn't impressed at all. My personal fantasies don't respond well to the shock of the real thing.
The Path of Love was written in 1997. The photo on the back cover was taken in 1996. I gazed at it for a long time, and decided that I really like his eyes. DC has the same eyes as my friend Dr. M., who considered himself an enlightened being, and did me the honour of naming me one as well, despite the fact that he was a Moslem and I was not.
Those liquid brown eyes of Dr. M's once convinced me to undertake an impossible mission: to convince the husband of one of his patients to check himself into a psychiatric facility. He explained why this had to happen, and then said, "Will you do this for me?" It wasn't really a question, because he wasn't going to take not for an answer.
The weird thing is, I succeeded. It took about four hours of patient conversation with a person I barely knew, explaining the options and asking for a decision. The decision became action when I phoned the psychiatrist's office. The doctor answered the phone -- how weird is that? -- and we made the arrangements. The long-term result wasn't quite what any of us imagined, but it was positive.
Dr. M. sent the right person to complete his mission. He knew who to send because he cared about his patient and he knew I did too. I'd say that is a definite symptom of enlightenment.
Whenever you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future. The past is closed and limited; the future is open and free.
D.C.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I've seen this sentiment expressed in many ways, but the contrast between prisoner and pioneer resonates with me. Most of the time I feel like a prisoner; but when I am seized by passion for something or somebody, I forget that I'm afraid and forge ahead.
One idea that's intriguing is DC's insistence that the worst that can happen has already happened -- our fear of the unknown is simply a shadow from the past. It makes sense to me in a convoluted way -- how can I be afraid of something I haven't experienced? I've been addicted to fear all my life. I imagine the worst possibilities so I won't be caught off guard when disaster strikes. What a monumental waste of time! Most of the things I so carefully prepare myself for never happen.
My friend Weneen took swimming classes repeatedly, but, try as she might, she could never trust herself to the deep water. One day, while we were at the pool together, she had an "oh, what the hell" moment, jumped into the deep end, and swam across the pool with ease. Experiences like that are great to watch and even greater to live through. Tonight, I've been asking myself what deep water I long to brave. Being a pioneer of the future is vastly superior to being a prisoner of the past -- in theory.
Things I would like to try (or try again):
1. horseback riding
2. drawing
3. choir directing
4. acting
5. writing a play
6. publishing a book
7. line dancing
8. visiting New Zealand
9. visiting Greece
10. dog sledding
11. playing my father's fiddle
12. driving across Canada
13. using a potter's wheel
14. starting a seekers' support group
15. taking a university class
It costs nothing to dream! Our dreams rarely come true without some serious effort on our part, but all our actions necessarily start as an idea.
Since then, DC has wandered in many different directions and explored many fields of knowledge. I had a glimse of him on the Oprah show, and wasn't impressed at all. My personal fantasies don't respond well to the shock of the real thing.
The Path of Love was written in 1997. The photo on the back cover was taken in 1996. I gazed at it for a long time, and decided that I really like his eyes. DC has the same eyes as my friend Dr. M., who considered himself an enlightened being, and did me the honour of naming me one as well, despite the fact that he was a Moslem and I was not.
Those liquid brown eyes of Dr. M's once convinced me to undertake an impossible mission: to convince the husband of one of his patients to check himself into a psychiatric facility. He explained why this had to happen, and then said, "Will you do this for me?" It wasn't really a question, because he wasn't going to take not for an answer.
The weird thing is, I succeeded. It took about four hours of patient conversation with a person I barely knew, explaining the options and asking for a decision. The decision became action when I phoned the psychiatrist's office. The doctor answered the phone -- how weird is that? -- and we made the arrangements. The long-term result wasn't quite what any of us imagined, but it was positive.
Dr. M. sent the right person to complete his mission. He knew who to send because he cared about his patient and he knew I did too. I'd say that is a definite symptom of enlightenment.
Whenever you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future. The past is closed and limited; the future is open and free.
D.C.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I've seen this sentiment expressed in many ways, but the contrast between prisoner and pioneer resonates with me. Most of the time I feel like a prisoner; but when I am seized by passion for something or somebody, I forget that I'm afraid and forge ahead.
One idea that's intriguing is DC's insistence that the worst that can happen has already happened -- our fear of the unknown is simply a shadow from the past. It makes sense to me in a convoluted way -- how can I be afraid of something I haven't experienced? I've been addicted to fear all my life. I imagine the worst possibilities so I won't be caught off guard when disaster strikes. What a monumental waste of time! Most of the things I so carefully prepare myself for never happen.
My friend Weneen took swimming classes repeatedly, but, try as she might, she could never trust herself to the deep water. One day, while we were at the pool together, she had an "oh, what the hell" moment, jumped into the deep end, and swam across the pool with ease. Experiences like that are great to watch and even greater to live through. Tonight, I've been asking myself what deep water I long to brave. Being a pioneer of the future is vastly superior to being a prisoner of the past -- in theory.
Things I would like to try (or try again):
1. horseback riding
2. drawing
3. choir directing
4. acting
5. writing a play
6. publishing a book
7. line dancing
8. visiting New Zealand
9. visiting Greece
10. dog sledding
11. playing my father's fiddle
12. driving across Canada
13. using a potter's wheel
14. starting a seekers' support group
15. taking a university class
It costs nothing to dream! Our dreams rarely come true without some serious effort on our part, but all our actions necessarily start as an idea.
However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is a mirror of who you are inside. . . . When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. Every conflict you wage is an excuse not to face a conflict within. The path to love therefore clears up a monumental mistake that millions of people makke -- the mistake that someone "out there" is going to give (or take) something that is not already yours. When you truly find love, you find yourself.
-- Deepak Chopra, The Path to Love
I think this applies to all relationships, not just SO's. The warrior's greatest battles are waged in his (her) heart. We are attracted to people who are fighting the same battles as we are. We want to help them, and at the same time we want to crush them, change them, revise them to that they don't offend us any more. If we succeed, chances are we'll leave them and move on to renewed battles with someone else.
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