Thursday, January 17, 2008

Knowing what I want

Once upon a time (probably in the late 80s), I happened to be in Regina by myself at supper time, and discovered that I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO EAT OR WHERE I WANTED TO EAT IT!!!!

I knew the preferences of every family member, and kept trying to juggle them, becoming more and more resentful because nobody seemed to care what my needs were.  But if they had asked me, I wouldn't have known what to say. 

HOW COULD I GET WHAT I WANTED IF I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WAS???????? I was so out of touch with myself that I didn't even know what I wanted to eat.

I still have to work at this. Hard. It can take a long time to overcome performance panic long enough to became aware of what I want. I have to relax, let go of the various layers of delusion, and find ME.

The really cool thing is -- it generally turns out that what I want at the core is what God wants for me too. It is always true that what I need (as opposed to what I am conditioned to think I need) is what God wants for me.

That titanic struggle between what God wants and what I want -- that's a MYTH. The real struggle is between what I want and need, and what I think I should want and need.

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