Monday, February 04, 2008

My Glass Ceiling

My maternal grandmother insisted that we were superior to normal mortals -- practically a new mutation. She blamed all her problems and ours on one thing: JEALOUSY by the little people who surrounded us. She also neutralized many of my protests against injustice with, "You're just jealous."

I had no way of testing her premises, so I internalized them. Jealousy became a dark, vindictive power that must be avoided at all costs. There is some truth in that, of course -- jealous people can do horrible things -- but I deified jealousy, attributed it with supermagical powers that disrupted all aspects of life. Hence, my reluctance to face success or admit that I am good at anything. When I get to a certain rung on any ladder, I sabotage myself.

Is it too late to change a life that has been trapped in a narrow crack between the fear of failure and the fear of success?

I've put the success thing on hold by declaring that success and failure are an illusion. I'm not satisfied with that conclusion, but it will have to do for now. The pertinent question is not: How do I control other people's perception of me and my perception of myself? but What do I want to do with this moment of life and the moments to follow? What is really important to me?

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